Got It Bad
by dr pepper upper
Summary: Jim Kirk has got it bad for someone on the ship. What do you get when you put a baby, an annoyed Bones and a needy Jim on the Enterprise? Do we even WANT to know? Really, you aren't going to understand unless you read. It's THAT messed up.


**Yeah, this is more a crack!fic than anything, especially at the end. This just came to me, oddly enough. I hope it gets a giggle or an 'aww' out of you. If not… I'm sorry. I failed you. Enjoy! I **

* * *

If his facial expression were anything to go by, Doctor McCoy would have to say that Jim Kirk was falling in love with a girl he didn't even know. And that wasn't even the weirdest part.

"Jim. You're fogging up the glass."

There was no reply.

"Damn it, Jim! Get your face off of the glass. Do you _know_ how many germs can have gotten onto there?"

When there was _still_ no reply, Bones started to get impatient.

"James Tiberius Kirk! Step _away_ from the glass so that her _father_ can get a good look at her!" Bones put a hand on Jim's shirt and attempted to tug him away.

"But Bones! Just _look_ at her!" This earned Jim an eye roll and an annoyed sigh.

"I have seen her, Jim. I saw her first," he reminded the awestruck captain who was _still_ pressing his face against the glass window. "I'm sure her mother doesn't appreciate the staring."

"Aw, come _on_, Bones! Her mother's _asleep_!"

"Jim, you're acting like you've never seen a baby before." Bones' eyebrows rose at the long, awkward pause. "You've _never_ seen a baby before?" At Jim's absent nod, Bones shook his head. "You used to live on a farm! You saw baby… Cows… Or something there, didn't you?"

"Bones, you're talking about a baby _cow_. It's not the same thing as a _human_ baby."

"She's not exactly _human_, Jim."

"_Fine_! A baby cow is _not_ the same as a half-human-half-Vulcan-all-adorable baby." In Bones' professional medical opinion, Jim needed to be stabbed in the neck with a strong sedative. That really wasn't just because he was making Bones want to rip out his hair. Really. "Bones, can we go in and see her?"

"No, Jim! That baby is less than two hours old!"

"I wasn't going to _do _anything! I just want to see her. I wonder if her ears are pointed…" Bones just groaned, running a hand through his already messed up hair in exasperation. The whole time Nyota had been in labor and during the birth of her and Spock's baby girl, Jim had been pressed up against the glass, watching everything as it happened. Bones had vaguely wondered who the hell was taking care of the ship.

"Please, Bones? _Please_?" Well, it wasn't exactly every day that he head Jim actually say the 'p' word. He also knew he was not going to get any rest if Jim was not allowed to satisfy his curiosity.

"Fine. But you _have_ to be quiet and you _cannot_ pick her up. Okay?" At Jim's nod, Doctor Leonard McCoy opened the door and led the practically bouncing captain into the room. He shot a glare at his captain, disbelief and annoyance at his immaturity at seeing a baby baffling Bones. Of course, being a doctor, Bones had seen many babies, including his own daughter. The wonder at seeing a baby being born never really wore away but it had definitely lessened. He remembered the initial wonder perfectly, he remembered always smiling down at the mother and child when the child was placed in the mother's warm, loving arms.

Despite his gruffness, Bones could relate to what Jim was obviously feeling. The doctor stood beside the captain as blue eyes widened down at the baby that was fast asleep. Jim's mouth dropped open a little and he crouched down to his knees to look at the little face. Bones was sure his jaw was touching the ground as he watched Jim look at the tiny creature, every inch of his face frozen in awe and adoration. _Yeah, lets see him make that face when he's stuck with babysitting duties_, Bones thought smugly.

"She's…" Apparently, Jim was having a hard time getting the words out. Bones looked down in disbelief as he heard the choked word.

"Beautiful?" Bones guessed and got the affirmative nod.

"Perfect and adorable and… Yeah." Well, Jim had never really been one for words but Bones was too busy trying not to smile like an idiot to really call him out.

"I think you're in love, Jim," he commented, hiding his smile behind his hand. He watched Jim hesitantly reach out, a warm finger tracing down the little girl's face and poking gently at her pointed ear. At this, the baby's eyes blinked open to reveal beautiful brown eyes, a nice mix of her mother and father's eyes. The baby studied Jim with a look only babies can pull off. Jim's blue eyes widened at the calm stare of the little half-Vulcan. They were locked in some sort of bizarre staring contest when the door opened behind them.

Bones turned and walked to Spock, who was watching Jim with a tilt of his head. "I couldn't keep him away. I think you may want to get over here. I wouldn't be surprised if Jim is trying to come up with a plan to steal your daughter." At Spock's incredulous and slightly freaked out look, Bones fixed Spock with a glare.

"It was a joke, you green-blooded hobgoblin!" At Bones' outburst, Jim snapped away from the baby and came striding to the two at the other end of the room. Nyota still slept soundly, exhausted from the birth. Jim was wearing a thousand-watt smile and it made Bones' face hurt just _looking_ at him.

"Your daughter is beautiful," he said to Spock, clapping a hand to his shoulder and striding out of the room. Bones followed and after a few moments of walking, interrupted the silence.

"Is your curiosity satisfied now, Jim?"

"I want one!" Bones' jaw hit the ground again and he groaned.

"No, Jim! No, you don't want one of those screaming tornadoes. No, you do not."

"But I _do_!"

"I'm actually surprised you _don't_ have one. How many girls did you sleep with back at the Academy?"

"That is not the point here, Doctor McCoy."

"Right. The _point_ is that you _don't_ want a kid." Bones tried not to laugh at the look on Jim's face. It was inching towards the 'looking all pathetic' stage. "You got it bad, kid." They walked in companionable silence for a few minutes, Bones checking over files on his PADD and Jim looking disturbingly thoughtful. "Jim, whatever's going on in that harebrained skull of yours, don't do it."

"I gotta go do some paperwork," was Jim's reply as he hurried away from the doctor.

"Paperwork my ass."

* * *

It was relatively quiet the rest of the day, which was enough to worry Bones. He was making his way to the Bridge to check up on everyone, which was now a common occurrence, when he bumped into Hikaru Sulu. After greeting the doctor, Sulu looked around anxiously, setting off warning bells in Bones' mind. "Looking for something, Lt. Sulu?"

He nodded. "I haven't seen the Captain or Chekov in a while. We were getting worried so I went to go look for them and––" But Bones was already stalking off. He didn't know what was making him panic, but something wasn't right. That feeling only intensified when he stopped outside of Jim's room. He heard shrill laughter coming from inside. "Damn it, Jim!" He muttered as he punched in the override code and stepped inside.

"What the _hell?_"

"Bones! It's… It's not what it looks like!"

"_What_ the _hell_?"

"Bones, calm down. You're going to burst a vein…"

"How the hell did you get a toddler onto this ship, Jim?"

"Well, Bones… I mean… He was, um… Already on the ship."

There was a long pause.

"You're joking."

"Bones-"

"Is that–?"

"Bones, calm down! It's temporary, I swear! He'll be back to normal by the end of the week!"

"Jim, you _didn't_!"

"Look, Bones, I know this is weird…"

"You _de-aged_ Pavel _Chekov?_"

"Okay, I know this sounds crazy but…"

"You turned your best navigator into a _two-year-old _just to satisfy some weird parental need?"

"… Maybe."

"Good _GOD_, man!"

* * *

**It's always Chekov. xD I don't know whether to end it here or to make this a two-shot and have Jim and Bones have a misadventure with mini-Pavel. I don't know. Please give me an opinion if you review? ;D I'll love you forever!**


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